lashed out:

i have never felt this happy,,never felt this complete..this feeling is so right..i knew..i felt..
i couldnt ask for more..
but life simply isnt about hapiness,,when it gives you something that will make you happy it surely will give you something equally depressing..
just by single action.
just by a series of words
all came tumbling down
you didnt do anything wrong but the people around me did..you tried to comfort me with your words but it only added frustrations on me..
what could have happenned?have i done something wrong??
i am getting tired of all these.
im trying to be strong for you but i cant even be strong for my self..
i love you
and i want to make it all right..
but ther's so many hindrances
i am sorry
i am so ashamed of you
i hope that you will always understand
cause for now i myself will never understand this..
i only want to be happy..
with you..for you..

i.e. roses on my window pane

i look back,,that uneasy feeling came back ten fold.. i was with you..we're shouting and screaming at each other .you we're saying words i can barely take..we were together for so long yet as i look at you i see a stranger..a monster right before my very own eyes
you hurt me with the deepest pain one could inflict on me and worst you wounded me and left me with scars that will always remind me of the mistake i've committed:loving you..
i woke up..im still haunted by that day i was suppose to enjoy..i ended up being brutally harrassed by you..those scornful eyes,,that wicked laugh..i can still feel your arms on my body as you try to hurt me with your fist..
oh what a way to be treated..even at this point i feel hatred just by thinking of those moments..
yet,,even with those scars i can finally say "who's the loser?"
you're still on that state where you haven't move on yet..and here i am enjoying the fredom you've denied me of for so long..
being in the arms of a MAN not a BOY..
being protected and love by someone who's mature enough to handle respect and just love me..
i found that person who's sacrificing all that he is,,just to complete the me that you've shattered
but you,,you're still that sour loser that you are..
unhappy,,not contented and still reeling over your loss..
you lost me..PERMANENTLY!
and this time there's no coming back
i might say thank you for all those pains,,i learned to let you go and just stopped loving you
i pity you..
i'll be at your funeral

the TRUTH:

John 3:16-17

"for God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him,,shall not persih but have everlasting life..
for God sent not His son into the world to condemn the world but that the world through him might be save.."

_hope all people will always remember and recognize the divine power that give us all what we have..all of this is not ours to keep,,but ours to give...

six years after:the aftermath

"marming bagay sa mundo na kahit kelan di mo na maibabalik,,mga nasayng na luha..mga panahong lumipas,,mga salitang nasabi..pero minsan nagpapasalamt na din ako"

freshman ako nuon,,panibangong mundo kaya excited ako..unang tapak ko pa lang sa luob ng eskuwelahan nkipgkaibigan na ako sa mga tao,,kala nila nga datihan na ako sa school n un,,and di nila alam parehas nila bagong salta din lang ako dun..

sa pagdaan ng araw,,nakaktwag din ako ng positibong pansin sa mga tao.. sa mg propesor at sa mga kaklase ko..nakadagdag pa sa pangalang nakilakilala ang mga aktibidades na sinasalihan ko..kahit kadalasan e saling pusa ako..hekhek..

bukod sa mga kblock ko,,karamihan sa barkada ko ay mga taga engineering dept..dahil ung pinsan ko at ung bf niya ay parehong eng'g students..kadalasan twing vacant ko andun ako sa kanila..natuto akong magburaot,,mamintas at magsalita ng maingay dahil sa knila..

siguro dahil nakakangarag ang paggwa ng plates gabi gabi kaya sila nagkaganun.. =) ganun pa man natuto akong maging taong bundok dahil sa kanila..

in short,,mas lalong kumapal ang mukha ko dahil sa mga taong alien na to..

at dahil sa pagkaburaot ko ay napasukan ko ang isang relasyong di ko dapat pinasok..

kblock: pansin namin di mo xa type
ako: naguusap lng kami pag nagdedebate kami
kblock: campus figure,,binabalewala mo??!!!
ako: (-_-)
kblock: 5thousand maging bf mo siya sa luob ng isang linggo,,
pag talo ka amin ang 5 thou m,,pag panalo ka iyo 5thou namin
ako: call!

isang araw na walang kalse,,pumasok ako sa knya,,isinilid ko pa ang aking mga kamya sa suot na jacket di dahil sa lamig ng lugar kundi dahil sa nerbyos..

pwede ba kita maging bf for one week? you see this is a matter of my ego being trampled by those egoistic fools we call classmates! i blurted out,,he was shocked at first..speechless.."hati tau s 5thou gusto m? " un ang nasabi ko dahil sa kawalan ng idadagdag..then he regained his composure and laugh so hard..i was about to walk away when he stood up and put his arms around me.."forget the money''i'll be your bf" at dun nagumpisa ang reyna na singilin ng 5thousand ang mga mahaderang alipin..

for one week i lived the life..we were a campus figure..how cant it be when ive got a famous,,intelligent fpor a bf..almost all girls envy me..

but then,,young as i was i broke up with him..with the thought that its all just a game.. never thought that he'd fall in love ..

foolishly i still stood up by my decision,,i watched him stalked me,,cry,,and even beg for a second chance but i never looked back..

there was even a time that id sleep over on some of my friends house because he was outside my aprtment the whole night!

i never look back since then..i went on with my life,,enjoyed every single moment and forgot all about the man id hurt ..

six years after,,he commented on a message i posted on my fs account..he never mentioned his name,,but something triggered my memory of him..

i knew it was him..suddenly the communication was open..he found a way to contact me..and long before he was bombarding with the why's he never had the chance to ask me 6 years ago,,but 6years after i still dont want to answer those questions..

simply because i dont want to answer them..cause for me its not healthy anymore to dig into whats been buried a long time ago..

he never moved on,,now with a wife and a son,,he still didnt get over all those stuffs..

for you,,my friend..


live your life.. and bury your past..we can never bring it back specially now that we already have our separate lives to live..
ill always love the man you are to me..but that's all there is i can offer..goodbye..

stillness of the night =)

april8,2009
after an all-night-long argument i decided to continue on with the planned vacation on there house..not because i wanted to see him but because i cant say no to his family..after all this was planned 2weeks before holy week so it's kinda embarassing to back out at the last minute..
told him im doing this for his family,,he said it sokay so long as i'll go there..and he'd show me how repentant he was for the mistake he committed..disillussioned, i didnt comment on that..

april 9,2009
early in the morning he's already texting me if im already on my way to Lingayen,,but im still in La Union..went to Mangaldan and fetched me in my place..he is actually repentant..the look in his face and the way he holds me shows just how much..yet im still unconvinced..while travelling i decided to just put it at rest and just enjoy the moment with his family.. we arrived there before lunch and his nephew did this exhibitions to impress me..not only was i impressed i fell in love with the kid and because of him i forgot the animoisty im feeling towards his Kuya Raymund..

ienjoyed my four day stay there including watching sinakulo,,the bakbak as what they call it,,and just those moments where i just eat,,eat and talk with his family evem
n when he's not around..at my last day i get to meet all of his relatives in his mother's side of the family in Mapandan..ii enjoyed every moment of it..

but what i enjoy the most??its the moments we spent together..just the two of us.. at night when all the excitement has died down and its time to hit the sack we just lay there..hugging and talking and laughing even playing..hehe
those we're the moments i know our bond has become tighter and stronger ..

i know i love him and he loves me..come hell and high water.. =)